A lot of thoughts running through my mind.

Family or Friends?
Which can I say is forever?
Definitely, family.
Because no matter how much we hated each other, we're still family.

This couple of days, I'm feeling rather down.
I've been thinking about grandma.
Up till now, I can't believe that she's gone.

I really do miss her badly.
And felt it's really heartbreaking that she left this world "alone".
Because while she had her last few minutes left, no one was by her side.

Thinking back on the day, when I heard the news from my brother saying "Mama passed away..." with his 2 big eyes starring wide open at my face. I was so shocked and felt like everything was just a dream.
But it did happen.

I'm proud of my mother that she was still able to be strong enough to handle it. But probably she's like me now, feeling like all these wasn't real.
Because it was too fast, too sudden.

Sigh.

Actually,
I really wish that she was sitting in front of me now. Even if we can't communicate with each other,
I just wish to see her again. But no matter what, she'll have a special place in my heart.

And I seriously hate myself.
Thinking back when we were young,
she brought us out to a lot of places in Singapore.
But even after I've grown up, I didn't bring her to any place of interest or out of her house.
Even leaving for China and coming back from there, I didn't remember to call her.

FUCK

What a grand daughter I am...

When she herself told me that she won't be living long. When my mother told me that grandma had probably a couple of years left, I wasn't bothered by it as I don't believe it.

I've took it for granted!

FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!

What a person I am...!!??

Now that she's gone,
I can only say I miss her, think of her, cry over it and talk to her photo with joss stick holding in my hands.
So what even if I went to pray her? I don't want to pray her! I want her alive! I want to love her, talk to her, bring her out!

I have no more grandma left.
Even my paternal grandma left this world when I was 6.
But I didn't feel so bad as I was still young. And I didn't have enough chance to spend time with my paternal grandma.
And 14 years later, I didn't cherish even I had the chance.

FUCKING YVONNE CHUA HUI FANG!!!!!